Chronicide Online

Cracked.com, purveyor of puerile lists, articles, and other web content, has put up one of their less obnoxious offerings: 20 Superhero Movies We Hope They Never Make. (If I were to guess, I’d say the reason this list is less obnoxious is because it was actually more a Photoshop contest for their readers than something they wrote themselves.) It’s got some ridiculous offerings (Ghost Rider 1910, featuring Ghost Rider on one of those olde-style bicycles; Captain France, showing a guy in a Captain America-esque costume with French iconography, fleeing from a soldier), some they-would-never-make-it adaptations (Captain Planet? Danger Mouse?), and some straight-up comic adaptations that are only humorous because of the casting (Keanu Reeves in Robin, Mike Meyers in Transmetropolitan).

Of this last category, though, one kept demanding my attention.

It’s no secret that I’m a Tim Burton fan — heck I even like (er, after a fashion) his Planet of the Apes and Batman Returns. So I kept thinking, what might a Tim Burton Avengers film look like?

(In case anyone reading this doesn’t know, the Avengers are (or were, depending on if you think the X-Men stole the slot) Marvel comics’ premiere superhero team, initially bringing together Iron Man, Thor, the Hulk, Ant-Man, and the Wasp (and, a few issues later, Captain America). Marvel’s actually got an Avengers movie in the works, which presumably will use the actors from the Iron Man and Incredible Hulk films, as well as the upcoming Ant-Man, Captain America, and Thor films. We obviously have to ignore that for this mental exercise.)

Well, Burton does love him some Johnny Depp, so I agree he would be in there. Iron Man would be the most obvious choice. But there are certain other actors he likes to re-use, too.

Helena Bonham Carter, for one. As there’s only one woman in the original Avengers, that pretty much guarantees her being cast as Wasp, yeah?

If he went back to the stars of some of his recent movies, you’ve got Mark Wahlberg (Planet of the Apes) as your Steve Rogers, aka Captain America; Ewan McGregor (Big Fish) as Henry Pym, aka Ant-Man; and Sacha Baron Cohen (Sweeney Todd) as Bruce Banner/Hulk. He could also grab Freddie Highmore (Charlie and the Chocolate Factory) as the Hulk’s young partner (and the one responsible for bringing the Avengers together), Rick Jones (if he wanted to skew the character slightly younger).

Oh, and for Jarvis, Tony Stark’s – and, therefore, the Avengers’ – butler (played by a robot in the Iron Man movie), I figure he’d go with one of two other Burton favorites: either Michael Gough (which would then make him probably the only actor to have played two butlers-to-the-superheroes) or Jeffrey Jones. Gough, although awesome, is also 94, a little too old for the part, so I’m going to go with Jones on this one.

And that just leaves us Thor. I’m really not sure where to go with this one, but looking through some other Burton movies, I’ll hearken back to Sleepy Hollow and grab one of its antagonists: Casper Van Dien. (A bit more wildcard casting might take Big Fish‘s Billy Crudup in this role, too…)

Once you’ve got the team lineup, you need an enemy. Loki, as played by Paul Reubens? Ultron, the evil, sentient robot created by Ant-Man, as played (or at least voiced) by Christopher Walken? Actually, I like both of those, and they could work together (Loki’s mischief brings Pym’s invention to life and turns it evil…).

So there you have it. My proposal:

THE AVENGERS
a TIM BURTON film

Staring
Mark Wahlberg ………….. Steve Rogers/Captain America
Johnny Depp ……………… Tony Stark/Iron Man
Ewan McGregor ………….. Hank Pym/Ant-Man
Helena Bonham Carter … Janet Van Dyne/The Wasp
Sacha Baron Cohen …….. Bruce Banner/The Hulk
Casper Van Dien ………… Thor
Paul Reubens …………….. Loki
Christopher Walken ……. Ultron
Freddie Highmore ………. Rick Jones
Jeffrey Jones ……………… Jarvis

When this comes out, I want a cut of the profits (that’s gross, not net, in case any Hollywood types are reading this.)

[This is a somewhat expanded version of a post I first made on the Captain Comics Message Board.]